Phoenix, Inner-Healing, and Community

Before I do those edits my chair wanted me to do before Monday, I wanted to share something.

I have had mixed feelings about living in various parts of Phoenix, or living in Phoenix in general.  Most of my stay and experience have been in the academic community, or ASU. Most of my time here has been sheltered in that way, with critical observances here and there.  And up until this point, it was those observances and loneliness (the selfish kind) that had me thinkin', "As soon as I get my degree I am OUTTA HERE!"

Up until I was befriended. First within the academic field, then outside of it. In fact, it was one person whom I opened up to with amazing gifts and similarities that opened the door to getting me to confront myself and my purpose.  It was also an academic experience that had me seeking counseling, my first true step to self-healing and confrontation. And a random visit to a holistic/alternative medicine and detox center, followed by repeated visits with a friend. Finally, it was invitations to meditate and reflect within community circles. I was surprised with this last attendance how many of the people I came across through community activism and involvement were there! And the strangers, how much they taught me that had me overwhelmed with a new sense of optimism and hope.

Before this, I was using self-education (reading up on love and such), self reflection and meditation.  And before this, I thought it was helping until I continually hit these brick walls of anxiety, self-doubt/criticism/hatred. [hard to write, but ultimately true]

Now, amidst the anxiety attacks and uncertainty, I can say that I have made a decision to start the process, or rather continue the process of intense inner-healing.  The years of mental and emotional pain  that have been internalized need to be undone physically, mentally, and spiritually. The combination of the meditation, education, and physical therapy (maybe mental, too) will help, with the next goal being to do what it takes to unravel and undo what has not only been done, but wound up and internalized (for years) in what seems to be every fiber of my being.  To heal myself as completely as can be fathomed so that I can be useful to others and serve without the baggage that has had me closed, reclusive, and going back to a self-defeatist state most of the time.

And I have decided to do this in Phoenix, because the people I have met who have pointed me in these areas have ultimately turned into a community of people all seeking social justice in various areas.  And the holistic/alternative medicinery has presented itself as a very calming/welcoming way, also seeking a community to serve. So now that I have found this, I think it would be foolish just to start over completely (even in the places I have been). I think I want to continue healing with these powerful people, regardless of the political baggage, injustice and hatred that seems to surround us on the regular. They have given me a new path to self-love and oppositional love that I hope will eventually overpower the pent-up past.