Okay, so breaking from the "black help" analysis with some things on my mind (upcoming applied project defense notwithstanding). And those things love and loyalty.
Ah, loyalty. Not many people have asked me to be loyal to them. In intimate relationships it is implied, and in friendships and family ties, too. But not many people have been explicit in asking me to be loyal to them in some way, shape, or form. But alas, one of my friends is hurt because of a decision I made to befriend someone that has hurt this particular friend** (I will use Friend X from here on out).
So Friend X is upset and (still) hurt by new Friend Y (the person recently befriended) for deeply personal reasons. Initially, my empathetic side was right there to comfort Friend X through this hard time, while in the back of my mind I kept questioning why someone would inflict this degree of hurt on someone else if these someones were supposed to be deeply intimate and loving partners (according to Friend X). But some things happened along the way and let us just say that the comforting and trying to be there went wrong and thus out the window.
Fast forward to a wonderful encounter and beautiful friendships being formed, including with Friend Y. I kept in mind that Friend Y was painted in a particular way, but actually seeing and experiencing 'the other side of the story' so to speak went against the implicit 'loyalty' principle Friend X established through trying to get through some pretty raw emotions. I came to like Friend Y instead of taking Friend Y to task for hurting Friend X. Why?
I am more of an investigator person, so someone painting a very nice or horrible picture about anyone does not immediately sway me. Yes, even if you are my friend. However if physical abuse or attempted murder were a part of this painting, then you bet I'm going to be on guard if I ever interact with the person in question.
It is kind of like the picture my dad painted of my mom when she moved back east. She was a horrible person. Wasn't interested in us kids anymore. Unfit parent, didn't care, other reasons why wanting to talk, write, visit or be with her was a bad idea. I had to become an adult and my youngest brother had to die before I rekindled a relationship with her. That's when I heard her side of the story. And resentment-towards-dad notwithstanding, things made a WHOLE LOTTA SENSE. I've always taken different sides of the story into consideration before this, but this experience and new found relationship (going on seven years) cemented that train of thought into my personality. There are multiple sides to ANY story, and chances are you're never going to hear the whole thing, but more pieces makes the puzzle clearer.
Another example? Being friends with a married couple who wind up getting divorced (I'm starting to notice a trend here). There may have been some struggles with loyalty there (especially since I wanted them to stay together). I felt like some kid in a custody battle for a hot minute. But were my ties completely severed with either person? NO! They were too cool as individuals and I consider them great friends whether together or apart (flaws notwithstanding). Both of them by my side was way more beneficial than having to choose. And I still love and miss them both.
So back to loyalty and friendship with Friend X and Friend Y. There are some personal factors involved with my ties of loyalty in this situation. First off, loyalty has not been established (implicitly or explicitly) with Friend Y. But love has been established in the bonding and safety that helped establish our relationship. On the other side of the coin, loyalty was implicitly established with Friend X, but due to a level of hurt feelings, an absence of love amidst that, and the subsequent and loss of a certain level of friendship (on my end anyway), loyalty weakened, especially with an absence of love.
In relationship establishments there seems to be like, lust, or love (other things too, but let's stick with l words for now). Two of these help relationships grow, and one of these seems to be successful in killing one or the other. With this crux laid out, I've gotta try to shake the hurt and stay loyal to love (in whatever way that stands out). To do something with love as the intention is hard to do when hurt is involved. But in the midst of heartbreak and healing (with a solid well-intentioned support network intact), hopefully love will win the day no matter what loyalties are implied.
I guess what I'm saying with this entry is, with love I hope to stay true to myself and keep my relationships intact in the process. Like the struggles of divorce and loss I have dealt with in the past, loyalties may get tested, but so long as love is in my heart (the proverbial person in the middle), it should not matter where my loyalties lie, especially if I love* both friends.
**Did I mention that I got this from a secondary source and was not directly approached about this issue? I saw it coming, but still. Seriously? Another friend had to bring it to my attention?
*Well I'm struggling through that with one friend, but the thought/hope still remains.
No comments:
Post a Comment