The journey to a better sense of self-worth.

I just wanted to reflect on thoughts. Especially about the postings about love/relationships/being single I wrote a while back. As cringe-worthy as they are to read now, I still keep those up because it reminds me of where I was. Low self-esteem issues breeding a sense of fragility and low self-worth seems to cause me to write a lot of things. Be it out of resentment, jealousy, sadness, depression, anger, I was there. And there is where I no longer want to be, nor do I desire to crash back down to that point.

You see, ever since those writings, I knew something was wrong with me. I always knew something was not quite right, especially with my attaching my self-worth to the status of past relationships and being un-attached. It took a teaching moment (no really, it was an incident in a classroom) to make me take more of a solution-oriented approach to my internalized issues. The first part of this journey seemed short and very intense. I seemed to triangulate between school counseling, spiritual/psychic counseling, and holistic health clinic visits. Then, after I felt more comfortable about talking about the issues I had, I learned to try and meditate and take more of a metaphysical approach to confronting these issues.

At this point I'm at a level of increased awareness, self-esteem and self-worth, and I am grateful for where I am at. Though I've been fairly discreet about my 'treatment,' telling very few people (actually, I think I just told one person the extent of my journey before I wrote this), I still feel like the people I am around are the support system I need to continue on the path to wellness. I may even reach a point where I'm more ornery and outspoken about my beliefs and more assertive about not taking mess from folks that aren't adding to my sense of well-being. I may even trust my intuition more and not try to take a chance on relationships that just don't 'feel right.'

Nevertheless, it is still a journey (initially a very expensive journey), but I believe I have made progress enough to know that I am stronger than what I have written, and though it pains me that I was there, and that writing about it was not enough for me to 'feel better' about where I was at, I'm glad that I eventually got the help that I needed to be more content and internalize this contentment versus the depression and anger that festered on and off for a good chunk of my lifetime.

I am grateful to God friends and family for the love and comfort along the way. The past is the past in writing, but with my being slow and eventual with things, I'm glad that things are finally turning right in my mental and spiritual selves. And I pray that I do not regress to where I was, especially if I get into any sort of relationship.