Single issues, the final epic-load.

So, maybe it's the racism/sexism/colorism/white supremacy that eliminates my chances of getting the chance to prove myself as a partner.  Or, maybe it's my social awkwardness, shabby dress, blunt tongue, penetrating stare and lack of conforming to standard beauty/gender ideals.  It all seems to tie into the first set of maybes. 


So what do I have to say for myself?


If failed online dating, AND, if befriending guys who don't see any potential beyond friendship (for reasons found in potential mates x, y, and z) are any indication, I am going to be single with no chance of long-term partnership/marriage for a loooong time. Not bummed about the marriage part, but finding a partner within a sense of community that is anti-racist/sexist/colorist/white supremacist and non-homophobic (among other phobias) is eventually going to be desired. 


And these epic-loads aren't encouraging any sense of openness or boldness in telling the whole of my true feelings, so being some reclusive, anti-social person who tries to stick her toe in the water from time to time (only to have some sort of humiliation commence, on the inside) seems to be more of a safety net. At least I'm not getting hurt while IN a serious relationship, I guess.


No I'm not going to tell people I crush on (who have confided in me their feelings about their ideal partners) my true feelings, and no, they're never gonna know...unless they happen across this blog and recall saying something along the lines of what I vented about a few days ago.


Ultimately it boils down to this: If you want to be my friend, fine. But don't tell me about your ideal person, fantasy person, or any of that to this strong but otherwise fragile being. It just subliminally tells me something that I really don't feel like keeping in mind yet again, and yes, I have cried about it. So don't...do it, because sometimes I retreat, become reclusive and overanalyze things to the point of me fantasizing committing cartoon like acts of violence on you (like dropping a safe on your head).  Other times I'm just mopey enough to revert all my energies into something more hopeful and stay away from you. Time  and distance after all seems to heal my invisible wounds. 


But I'll be there for you if you need anything regardless, if we are friends that is.