To re-cap, I'm tired of friends I'm attracted to treating me as a chopped liver confidant in that they tell me who their ideal mate is, subliminal code for "and you're not it." What the frack?
So, here's why this upsets me so.
A) I'm continuing to educate myself about the worth of black women, combing over the racist, sexist, and colorist implications of such and tying them back to the personal (class is there too, but I don't seem to have a history of hob-knobbing it with those considered to be well-off or wealthy, so I'm not even thinking about it at this rate). Long story short, academia has concluded that despite the strides made, the strength shown, and the perseverance amidst oppression brought on by white supremacy, the darker shades of brown don't seem to be that popular with regards to any sort of partnership selection. Whether it be because of hegemonic stereotypes that ignorant people continue to consume and use as a judgement marker, or something that traces back to white supremacist beauty and gender ideals, the message constantly gets hammered into my skull.
B) My personal self ingests this information on the regular, and experiences it too. I constantly feel invisible when I do attempt to mingle, and a lot of the rejection or my perceptions of being ignored wears on my self-esteem and psyche on and off. However, it continues to be something that, safe to say, I will be experiencing and researching on for a good majority of my life (if not the rest of my life).
C) Add to the academic bluntness my pickiness in the circles I involve myself in, and the ideas (or ideals, whatever) and interests I have rarely being met in some way shape or form. So, part of this may be my fault, but just know that a partner who even remotely shares my interests and isn't ignorant about various social issues is hard to come by.
At least this is depressing to me, on so many levels. And there is always that fear that, maybe it's just me.
To be continued...
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