The journey to a better sense of self-worth.

I just wanted to reflect on thoughts. Especially about the postings about love/relationships/being single I wrote a while back. As cringe-worthy as they are to read now, I still keep those up because it reminds me of where I was. Low self-esteem issues breeding a sense of fragility and low self-worth seems to cause me to write a lot of things. Be it out of resentment, jealousy, sadness, depression, anger, I was there. And there is where I no longer want to be, nor do I desire to crash back down to that point.

You see, ever since those writings, I knew something was wrong with me. I always knew something was not quite right, especially with my attaching my self-worth to the status of past relationships and being un-attached. It took a teaching moment (no really, it was an incident in a classroom) to make me take more of a solution-oriented approach to my internalized issues. The first part of this journey seemed short and very intense. I seemed to triangulate between school counseling, spiritual/psychic counseling, and holistic health clinic visits. Then, after I felt more comfortable about talking about the issues I had, I learned to try and meditate and take more of a metaphysical approach to confronting these issues.

At this point I'm at a level of increased awareness, self-esteem and self-worth, and I am grateful for where I am at. Though I've been fairly discreet about my 'treatment,' telling very few people (actually, I think I just told one person the extent of my journey before I wrote this), I still feel like the people I am around are the support system I need to continue on the path to wellness. I may even reach a point where I'm more ornery and outspoken about my beliefs and more assertive about not taking mess from folks that aren't adding to my sense of well-being. I may even trust my intuition more and not try to take a chance on relationships that just don't 'feel right.'

Nevertheless, it is still a journey (initially a very expensive journey), but I believe I have made progress enough to know that I am stronger than what I have written, and though it pains me that I was there, and that writing about it was not enough for me to 'feel better' about where I was at, I'm glad that I eventually got the help that I needed to be more content and internalize this contentment versus the depression and anger that festered on and off for a good chunk of my lifetime.

I am grateful to God friends and family for the love and comfort along the way. The past is the past in writing, but with my being slow and eventual with things, I'm glad that things are finally turning right in my mental and spiritual selves. And I pray that I do not regress to where I was, especially if I get into any sort of relationship.

Love, Loyalty, Loss and other Ls that love may or may not be associated with

Okay, so breaking from the "black help" analysis with some things on my mind (upcoming applied project defense notwithstanding). And those things love and loyalty.

Ah, loyalty. Not many people have asked me to be loyal to them. In intimate relationships it is implied, and in friendships and family ties, too. But not many people have been explicit in asking me to be loyal to them in some way, shape, or form. But alas, one of my friends is hurt because of a decision I made to befriend someone that has hurt this particular friend** (I will use Friend X from here on out).

So Friend X is upset and (still) hurt by new Friend Y (the person recently befriended) for deeply personal reasons. Initially, my empathetic side was right there to comfort Friend X through this hard time, while in the back of my mind I kept questioning why someone would inflict this degree of hurt on someone else if these someones were supposed to be deeply intimate and loving partners (according to Friend X). But some things happened along the way and let us just say that the comforting and trying to be there went wrong and thus out the window.

Fast forward to a wonderful encounter and beautiful friendships being formed, including with Friend Y.  I kept in mind that Friend Y was painted in a particular way, but actually seeing and experiencing 'the other side of the story' so to speak went against the implicit 'loyalty' principle Friend X established through trying to get through some pretty raw emotions.  I came to like Friend Y instead of taking Friend Y to task for hurting Friend X.  Why?

I am more of an investigator person, so someone painting a very nice or horrible picture about anyone does not immediately sway me. Yes, even if you are my friend. However if physical abuse or attempted murder were a part of this painting, then you bet I'm going to be on guard if I ever interact with the person in question.

It is kind of like the picture my dad painted of my mom when she moved back east. She was a horrible person. Wasn't interested in us kids anymore. Unfit parent, didn't care, other reasons why wanting to talk, write, visit or be with her was a bad idea. I had to become an adult and my youngest brother had to die before I rekindled a relationship with her. That's when I heard her side of the story. And resentment-towards-dad notwithstanding, things made a WHOLE LOTTA SENSE. I've always taken different sides of the story into consideration before this, but this experience and new found relationship (going on seven years) cemented that train of thought into my personality.  There are multiple sides to ANY story, and chances are you're never going to hear the whole thing, but more pieces makes the puzzle clearer.

Another example? Being friends with a married couple who wind up getting divorced (I'm starting to notice a trend here).  There may have been some struggles with loyalty there (especially since I wanted them to stay together). I felt like some kid in a custody battle for a hot minute. But were my ties completely severed with either person? NO! They were too cool as individuals and I consider them great friends whether together or apart (flaws notwithstanding). Both of them by my side was way more beneficial than having to choose. And I still love and miss them both.

So back to loyalty and friendship with Friend X and Friend Y.  There are some personal factors involved with my ties of loyalty in this situation. First off, loyalty has not been established (implicitly or explicitly) with Friend Y.  But love has been established in the bonding and safety that helped establish our relationship.  On the other side of the coin, loyalty was implicitly established with Friend X, but due to a level of hurt feelings, an absence of love amidst that, and the subsequent and loss of a certain level of friendship (on my end anyway), loyalty weakened, especially with an absence of love.

In relationship establishments there seems to be like, lust, or love (other things too, but let's stick with l words for now). Two of these help relationships grow, and one of these seems to be successful in killing one or the other.  With this crux laid out, I've gotta try to shake the hurt and stay loyal to love (in whatever way that stands out). To do something with love as the intention is hard to do when hurt is involved. But in the midst of heartbreak and healing (with a solid well-intentioned support network intact), hopefully love will win the day no matter what loyalties are implied.

I guess what I'm saying with this entry is, with love I hope to stay true to myself and keep my relationships intact in the process. Like the struggles of divorce and loss I have dealt with  in the past, loyalties may get tested, but so long as love is in my heart (the proverbial person in the middle), it should not matter where my loyalties lie, especially if I love* both friends.

**Did I mention that I got this from a secondary source and was not directly approached about this issue? I saw it coming, but still. Seriously? Another friend had to bring it to my attention? 
*Well I'm struggling through that with one friend, but the thought/hope still remains.

A "Black Lady" With a Brown Kid? Oh Hell No!

I'm a delayed-reactionist (self-described). So let me tell you a tale from yesterday.

Leading up to this tale: I agreed to hang out with my friend's toddler while my friend goes to school in the evenings.  Both of Mexican descent (I'm pretty sure), and the baby is visibly (light) brown with big eyes and a head full of straight, dark brown hair. What a beautiful kid.

This whole hanging-out thing has been happening for at least a month now, and the kid has been wanting more and more to be outdoors, of which I was happy to oblige. In being outdoors, there are stares, and people, mostly white asking if the kid is mine (politely).  I say 'no' and ways are parted fairly quickly.

Well, yesterday, after a workout with the kid, I was walking back to my office. I passed a group of young people, all dark-skinned (I'll say 'black' from here on out, out of diasporic inclusivity), hanging out in the shade (it was still sunny and very warm).  When I started to pass by them with a large sleeping baby in my arms, here is what I heard. "Oh hell no!" "Oh hell no!" "Did you just see that?" I sensed they were talking about me, a person dark enough to not be mistaken for much else, with dreadlocks to boot, and the brown babe in my arms. In my mind I assumed their outcry (or as I like to think of it, a calling card for confrontation/a fight) was in response to the assumption that the kid was a by product of mixed-race mating (or me and a white guy producing a brown kid).  My ire was immediately raised at the assumed attack (or outcry directed at me), but I ignored the loud hubub and kept walking back to my office. In my mind, my suspicions were confirmed when someone from that group (I could tell because there weren't that many people around abuzz, and I knew where they were located) said "Ay!" "Ay!" "Ay black lady!"

I didn't respond or turn in their direction. Just kept walking, and here's why.

First of all, their first response was that of hostility (Oh hell no!). There was no respect established, and their delayed curiosity (or delayed attempt to confirm their suspicions) already had me on alert (or should I say, my defenses were raised as soon as they did the confrontational battle cry).  

Second of all, I imagine that if the kid I was holding was mine, they would not have had anything nice to say about it, to my face, or behind my back. It's bad enough they were loud behind my back doing the calls they were doing. The silver lining to this is, at least they do not believe that we are in a post-racial society and that race issues should be ignored. However, I do not agree with the hostility directed toward black women or the kids they choose to have, regardless of skin color (of the kids or the attackers). There should be a whole nother entry about hostility towards black men w/lighter skinned counterparts vs. black women with the same, about colorism and how it divides when all shades of brown should understand the root of oppression does not lie in who they choose to be with.

I just know that, if I were to have had such a kid (like my sister), the reaction will never be favorable, proof that college education isn't doing enough to teach people to be critical of their own hostility, and proof that there is a long way to go toward any sort of unity, liberation or anything of the sort. Especially if people are still into policing black women's choices and trying to make them feel more alienated from the rest of the black community then they already may be.

It's a shame my guard was up high enough to not give them the attention they desired.

Phoenix, Inner-Healing, and Community

Before I do those edits my chair wanted me to do before Monday, I wanted to share something.

I have had mixed feelings about living in various parts of Phoenix, or living in Phoenix in general.  Most of my stay and experience have been in the academic community, or ASU. Most of my time here has been sheltered in that way, with critical observances here and there.  And up until this point, it was those observances and loneliness (the selfish kind) that had me thinkin', "As soon as I get my degree I am OUTTA HERE!"

Up until I was befriended. First within the academic field, then outside of it. In fact, it was one person whom I opened up to with amazing gifts and similarities that opened the door to getting me to confront myself and my purpose.  It was also an academic experience that had me seeking counseling, my first true step to self-healing and confrontation. And a random visit to a holistic/alternative medicine and detox center, followed by repeated visits with a friend. Finally, it was invitations to meditate and reflect within community circles. I was surprised with this last attendance how many of the people I came across through community activism and involvement were there! And the strangers, how much they taught me that had me overwhelmed with a new sense of optimism and hope.

Before this, I was using self-education (reading up on love and such), self reflection and meditation.  And before this, I thought it was helping until I continually hit these brick walls of anxiety, self-doubt/criticism/hatred. [hard to write, but ultimately true]

Now, amidst the anxiety attacks and uncertainty, I can say that I have made a decision to start the process, or rather continue the process of intense inner-healing.  The years of mental and emotional pain  that have been internalized need to be undone physically, mentally, and spiritually. The combination of the meditation, education, and physical therapy (maybe mental, too) will help, with the next goal being to do what it takes to unravel and undo what has not only been done, but wound up and internalized (for years) in what seems to be every fiber of my being.  To heal myself as completely as can be fathomed so that I can be useful to others and serve without the baggage that has had me closed, reclusive, and going back to a self-defeatist state most of the time.

And I have decided to do this in Phoenix, because the people I have met who have pointed me in these areas have ultimately turned into a community of people all seeking social justice in various areas.  And the holistic/alternative medicinery has presented itself as a very calming/welcoming way, also seeking a community to serve. So now that I have found this, I think it would be foolish just to start over completely (even in the places I have been). I think I want to continue healing with these powerful people, regardless of the political baggage, injustice and hatred that seems to surround us on the regular. They have given me a new path to self-love and oppositional love that I hope will eventually overpower the pent-up past.

It Was the Year 27

It was the year 27. 
An adventurous year. 
A painful year. 
A year of emotional scars
A year of hard lessons. 
A year of firsts. 
A year of seeking help
A year of getting help
A year alone
A trying year. 
But I'm still here
And friends were near
They made things clear
In the midst of mopes
There were hopes
There was faith
There was grief
With very little relief
But the year 27
Was also the year
That the healing 
started with me
The answers 
became plain to see
And I untied myself 
from guilt
And became free
Though still single
I realized
I should still be me
The shields were up
Too hurt to lower my guard
But I tried. 
Gullibility and optimism got me hurt anyway
The healing, the friends, the insight
The counseling helped me
face the underlying pain
the unresolved history
Behind the set-ups to more misery
The year ended
With one more first I can be proud of
I would not have made it through the year
Without (your) support. 
Many thanks for seeing me through.

Happy New Year!

It's a new thing I say for every birthday. Now, it's my turn! Happy New Year to me! This was the day I was born into the year 1984, a new era for everyone involved at the time. So yeah. Before my New Year, I did something that actually stuck: I made a 'mixtape.'

YIPEE!! And thank you to the DJing community for showing me how to get this far (granted, I got this far very slowly). I hope to do more guilt-free. Yes, I'm still in school, so having said that, bye for now! Reflections should come about year 27 some other time!!

Back to school: Thoughts about my academic future

I don't know how I feel about this year. Way more uncertainty than last. With this being a (traditionally) two year M.S. program I'm in, this is the year where I'm expected to make a lot of decisions. As in, whether or not I'm going to take a break, or plunge ahead into a PhD program, or even take my higher education in another direction.

At the immediate moment, I don't feel I'm ready for a PhD program, be it in this current program, or in sociology.  My program is however, a bit too disciplinary to be taken into consideration when teaching sociology at the community college level.  I'll try and convince people otherwise and see if I can try and teach with my M.S. in hand.

If not an PhD, then what? An MSW was what I was thinking, for more practical, community research-based purposes. I would like to specialize in the type of qualitative research that is non-oppressive, non-intrusive, post (or de) colonial in nature, and does more than gets an academic published in a journal of sorts.  I genuinely want to have the benefits lie on behalf of the people moreso than myself. Ask me again next year about this.

I was also thinking a spanish immersion/proficiency program. Taking a year (or summer) to do that would be great in general.

Then there's just working/researching for a non-profit, community based organization full-time and honing either my DJing, comic book drawing, gardening or urban survival skills on the side.

Yes, I am aware of how unprepared I am should disaster strike, especially being that I'm low-income in class status with rising student loan debt (ask me about this when I get my PhD). I've decided this summer that I want to be more useful to society in general, as these book-smarts aren't going to keep me fed if institutional structures crumble and the world turns to chaos.  So yeah. That's on my mind, too, learning practical/survival skills so I can be of use to people outside of the researcher/educational sense.

I just have to be confident that I'll be able to live off a meager income AND whittle away my loans (if I do take a year off outside of grad school, that is) enough to do more exploring, comprehension and less rigorous mental labor.

Thanks for reading my thoughts. Feedback is appreciated, however school starts tomorrow, so I apologize in advance if I don't get back to you quickly.